


Epitaph

by badtour



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AFAB but gender neutral reader, But he'll try to comfort you anyway, Character Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I am just fucking depressed bro, Implied Child Murder, Implied Pregnancy, Kylo Ren isn't good with words, Mentions of Murder, Mourning, Other, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27552910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badtour/pseuds/badtour
Summary: It’s been a while since you’ve seen anything other than the blackness of space. Its cold and lonely atmosphere almost suffocating you for a whole month.Being on this Core worlds’ planet again felt both blissful and depressing. Its bittersweet nature didn’t go unnoticed by your companion, and you finally began to understand just howhefelt about this particular place before it all went down.You could discern the landscape once you reached the hills, the location you were looking for so close you could feel it in your bones, contracting and expanding under your muscles. Suddenly your breathing stopped and you dreaded the confirmation this would give you. Something you had almostdeniedfor thirty days, pretending like it never happened. Like it was a horrible nightmare you’d wake up from any second now.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Reader, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	Epitaph

**Author's Note:**

> Song: [Epitaph](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C-HytsGYg0) by King Crimson.

The soft humming sound of the ship as it slowly descended to the planet’s surface made your eyes open. Lids gradually unfolded the scene in front of you as they allowed you to see your surroundings. Little by little, you were in no hurry.  
Daylight hit your pupils and it took you a few seconds to adjust to the excess sunshine illuminating the cockpit. As the rays of light shone over the controls, your legs and face, you recognised the green pastures of your destination through the ship’s viewport. 

Rocky mountains with frozen white peaks, the snow falling under grey mist, the pale blue sky adorned with pastel pink clouds, and the cities passing under you; it all took your breath away as you flew to the outskirts of civilisation. 

It’s been a while since you’ve seen anything other than the blackness of space. Its cold and lonely atmosphere almost suffocating you for a whole month.   
Being on this Core worlds’ planet again felt both blissful and depressing. Its bittersweet nature didn’t go unnoticed by your companion, and you finally began to understand just how _he_ felt about this particular place before it all went down.

You could discern the landscape once you reached the hills, the location you were looking for so close you could feel it in your bones, contracting and expanding under your muscles. Suddenly your breathing stopped and you dreaded the confirmation this would give you. Something you had almost denied for thirty days, pretending like it never happened. Like it was a horrible nightmare you’d wake up from any second now.

He hovered the TIE over the biggest flower bank outside of Hanna city and the ship’s final descent made you tremble in your seat. You felt his hand fly to your left knee and still your twitching leg. Biting your lower lip, you nodded. An unspoken acknowledgement.  
Pressing a button, the main hatch opened and nature's fresh air invaded the inside of the capsule, grass and rain water the main scents you could perceive.

You rose to your feet and started your walk to the ramp, coming down the slab of metal with resonating steps. Once you reached the meadow you looked over your shoulder and found his hulking frame with his back facing you, switching the controls of his vessel, following the landing procedures. You took a deep breath and quickly moved forward to where a small grave sat in the middle of the flower field.

Emotions took over you and next thing you knew, you fell down to your knees in front of it. Head down facing the ground, you let yourself drown in the sorrow you’ve been trying to hide for weeks. Tears began to form in the corners of your eyes and you let out a shaky sigh.

Before your vision completely blurred, you pulled out a small piece of paper from your uniform’s shirt pocket, it sat neatly folded right over your beating heart. You swiftly opened the letter and without any more hesitation, began reading out loud what you’ve written in Basic many days before your trip to the rolling hills of Chandrila.

“It’s been a month since you’ve been gone,” you started with a quivering voice. “But somehow it feels longer when you aren’t around.” You looked to the mount of darkened dirt in front of you and continued. “I still expect to find you in every corner, sitting there like a little doll, ready to talk back at me after calling your name.” 

“You were too innocent,” your vision blurred gradually as more of the salty liquid formed in your eyes and spilled down your face. “Too pure.” Your voice cracked. “Maybe that’s why you’re not here anymore, this world is cruel,” saying that last word with a little more emphasis than intended, the statement making your chest hurt. “...And you didn’t deserve to be in it, you deserved much more.” Your hand extended forward and grabbed a handful of the soil before you, as if you could somehow reach inside the burying place and touch _him._ You wanted to touch him so bad. 

“Even then I miss you,” you carried on. “I miss seeing your fluffy black hair, your soft pale skin, I miss feeling your warmth against me.” More tears staining your cheeks, you let them unashamedly fall on your grey clothing and darken the fabric. “Hearing you laugh, smelling the back of your head and giving you forehead kisses.” Your throat closed and it was getting harder and harder to read out loud but you needed to tell him. You needed to let this out before you took revenge. The risk of your own death was too high. 

“I miss the sound of your voice. If only I could have known what you wanted to say that last day,” trembling voice as your mind recounted the events of that horrendous day, when your world began crashing down. “If only I could hear it at least just once more.”

You sighed, louder this time. “Everything reminds me of you.” The grip on the paper was suddenly too rough you almost tore it up. “I just want you back; I want to hug you so tight, just one last time.” Tears fell upon the letter and smudged a few of the characters written on it. “You need to know how thankful I am for your existence.” As you were about to say the next words, you looked over your shoulder once more and made sure you were alone. Somehow saying these words made you feel even more vulnerable, exposed. It was better kept as a secret between you two. “You and your dad were with me through the worst years of my life and somehow made them bearable.” 

Glancing at the last few sentences, you cleared your throat and tried finishing up. “My eyes are swollen, my head is heavy, my body is weak yet nothing compares to the pain I feel in my heart now that you’re not with me.” You folded the letter and pushed it back into your front pocket. “You were truly my angel.” As you finished reading your improvised epitaph, you added, “we found the men that did this to you. They will regret it.” 

With a shaky breath, you closed your eyes shut, trying to keep at bay more tears threatening to spill over your already damp cheeks. You had been successfully managing to appear strong and composed ever since Oly was taken from you, and even when you faltered, it was never in front of anyone, not even _him._ Appearances were everything in the First Order. 

A large gloved hand slid over your right shoulder, the synth-leather lightly rubbing against your shirt, creating friction on your surprisingly clammy skin. You subconsciously leaned into it, letting the warm radiating from it slowly begin to relax your stiff muscles.   
You didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. The touch was incredibly familiar, it was a touch you knew and craved more than the air going in and out of your lungs. Its contact had brought you pleasure and pain many times before, more than you could ever count, more than you’d ever remember, and they still felt urgent, needy—after all this time—.

You knew silence would follow, as it always did. He was a man of few words and you appreciated him for never trying to fill the quietness with meaningless noise, never wasting his breath, always blunt.  
He let you mourn in peace for a few more minutes before said hand—still on your shoulder— wrapped its digits around the joint and squeezed gently. It was a warning gesture, a way of letting you know it was time to start gathering your things, your thoughts. 

A small sigh escaped your lips and you let your cheek connect with the back of the hand on you when you tilted your head to the side.   
It was a thank you as well as an act of empathy. He might not have fallen to his knees and screamed to the heavens above but you knew the pain in your heart was shared, you knew he even felt stronger than you, more deeply. You knew his mind was a prison and his own fear of vulnerability was his undoing, but he didn’t need to vocalise it and you didn’t need to tell him you understood. Words were unnecessary when you had a connection like the one you two shared.

“It’s getting late,” he murmured once you went back to your previous position. His voice still eliciting a gasp you caught in your throat.   
It seemed like you were never ready for it, no matter how many times he talked to you or barked orders to inferior officers, the deep sounds that came out of his plush mouth felt new, something you’ve never heard before, a different tone of voice, a brand new enunciation. You always felt it travel in and down your body, burying into your very soul.

Your head turned to the side, eyes following the shape of his fingers curled on your shoulder, the back of his massive hand, the muscular arm attached to his body and lastly, the immaculate sight of his face.  
You lost yourself in his eyes, amber with a hint of green irises that appeared as though he could see right through you. Pupils dilated when his gaze met yours. You realised then and there that he was also studying you as if you were the most precious thing in the galaxy and—in a way, to him— you were.

After your son died, it was you and him, _against the world._

He leaned in closer and his rosy lips connected with yours, soft as a feather, smoothly gliding against your own, the action saying more than a thousand words. The hand on your shoulder suddenly moved to the back of your head as the kiss deepened. He held you like that for what felt like an eternity, tasting you and comforting you with his sweet breath. The scent of his skin, dotted with a constellation of moles, filling your nostrils and making you dizzy. His tongue caressed yours and stole the air out of your lungs as he seemed to consume the very oxygen around you.

You moaned and the lewd sound was swallowed by him, getting lost inside his body. His gloved hand slid down your neck and stroked you there as he pulled away, an almost imperceptible string of spit connected you with him, making his lush mouth shine under the setting sun and his bottom lip twitched.

Kylo rose to his full height after crouching behind you for as long as he consoled you. Extending his hand, he waited for you to take it. Yours drowned in his palm as he closed his fingers around your wrist and pulled you up from the ground, body crashing against his broad chest with the force of his tugging. His body heat called your name when you realised the sky rapidly turned sapphire and the air’s temperature dropped a few degrees.

You felt a finger slide under your chin and redirect your gaze up to his waiting eyes. He looked down his prominent nose at you with what you could only name as adoration. He had only seen you that way once, six years prior to this moment, when you carried your small son in your arms for the first time. With a sore body and tired mind, you still took the time to see him studying you both. Eyebrows in a frown but his honey eyes told you everything in that very instant. 

He loved his son as much as he loved you.

“They’ll pay for what they did to him,” he declared. “We’ll hunt them down, one by one.” Kylo Ren’s breath tickled your lips as he leaned even closer to you. “We will avenge our son,” a final murmur caressed your skin as he broke your embrace, not without immediately wrapping your hand in his and guiding you back to the TIE Whisper, in which you’d go after the people that assassinated Oly.

Kylo was right, they’d pay for what they did and you’d not rest until they died by your hand. _All of them._

You’d do this _for Oly._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a more intimate piece for whoever stumbles upon it.  
> Thank you once more to [ElmiDol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmiDol) for always being the best beta-reader I could ask for. I love you.
> 
> Rest in piece, Oliver. I miss you so much.
> 
> _This is for you._


End file.
